Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
