Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
