Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
