why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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