Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
