I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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