Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
