he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
