I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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