Your dad touched me again.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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