at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
