You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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