what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
