another moral hangover. fuck.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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