You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.