New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms