I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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