i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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