I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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