Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
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Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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