How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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