Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
