Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
