I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
well you can't waste a boner
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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