i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
