Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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