I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize