Will you blow on my dice?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
