Where did you get a picture of my penis
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
