Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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