the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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