well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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