i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
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There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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