drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
