Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(208): View more from Idaho

the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise

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(208): the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise http://tfl.nu/n0e5

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(518): View more from New York

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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(518): Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf. http://tfl.nu/6o5h

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(360): View more from Washington

I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.

(1-360): View more from Washington

That changes everything.

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(360): I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy. (1-360): That changes everything. http://tfl.nu/pss9

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(647): View more from Ontario

Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville

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(647): Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville http://tfl.nu/omyo

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(304): View more from West Virginia

just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.

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(304): just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement. http://tfl.nu/6va8

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(908): I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me. http://tfl.nu/2kto

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(209): View more from California

Responsibility does not care about your dick.

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(209): Responsibility does not care about your dick. http://tfl.nu/xdqb

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(804): View more from Virginia

The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."

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(804): The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be." http://tfl.nu/zz4e

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(708): View more from Illinois

what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?

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(708): what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit? http://tfl.nu/d2ae

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.

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(704): The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night. http://tfl.nu/10ma

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what? who is this?

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(201): Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER. (610): what? who is this? http://tfl.nu/1mp3

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(254): View more from Texas

Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be

(254): View more from Texas

Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54

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(254): Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be (254): Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54 http://tfl.nu/ylh4

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(678): View more from Georgia

You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.

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(678): You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary. http://tfl.nu/2yw2

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(979): View more from Texas

I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.

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(979): I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you. http://tfl.nu/kkcg

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman

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(484): 'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman http://tfl.nu/trz5

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