thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
