This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
