Jerry, you need to find god
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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