I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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