google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
