After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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