My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
