Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I intend to get homeless drunk
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
