dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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