im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
