Whod you bang
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
