At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
