i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Randomize
