Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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