I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
