see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
