My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
