Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
