You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
