I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
